So I turned 17 today...pretty crazy, I guess. Getting older makes everything less awesome I think. I miss being a kid, but whatever. My birthday was actually pretty cool, got to hang with Heather and Mom and Megan, got the V for Vendetta 2-Disc Box Set (fuuuuuck yeeeeah) and an awesome jacket/hoody from Heather that I totally love (wish it would hurry up and get cold already). Other than that, I pretty much just miss Santa Cruz.

After being there for a week I think it's safe to say that I would fucking love to live there. After high school I'm going to Mount San Jac for a year until Heather graduates and then we're gonna see about going to school in Santa Cruz, I hope it works out, if it is, I'm gonna need to get some serious dough together. I want to get a job, but I have to wait till September when I get my license and can actually drive myself to work. I'm hoping to work at Barnes and Noble, a coffee place (or maybe the Starbucks IN Barnes and Noble), or maybe PetsMart, or BestBuy, or just some place I can slightly enjoy until I get a real job.

I have been trying to stick true to some goals, like enjoying life as much as I can and not harping on people so much, trying to make myself a nicer, better, person, the person I have always been but have been hiding for the past couple of years. Time to grow up and I am so happy for that, sick of being a teenage idiot. Honestly, I am so much happier these days than I have been for awhile and it's great! Haha, I just wish I would stop feeling sick all the time, it would make being happy a lot easier :P

i feel:: happy

baby, i want you to know how much you're changing my world, how much i love you, and how much you mean to me. before you came along i was just floating around in life, now i'm playing and splashing in it. you make me want to become so much more than what i am now, just so that i can see you smile - hear you say "i'm proud of you". i want to believe i'm worthy of your vibrance, so i push myself to try and be better, in the end only becoming exactly what i've wanted to be all along. it's like all these years i have been waiting for you and now i can finally be born. i have learned a lot in my time before i met you, but i think that was just to learn as many lessons as i could before it was time to start my life with you. in previous years i have fabricated a lot about my life because it wasn't interesting enough to talk about, but now that i know you not only do i have so much to talk about, i find myself thinking everything is worth talking about and thus discovering beauty in every little object, your beauty.

i never really knew what neutral meant until i met you. i always thought it was being a robot and not being affected by anything, but really it's not about trying to hide from everything and pretend you don't have an opinion, its about trusting in the world to guide you along the right path and in that path trusting the people you meet. you make me want to love the world again. you make me want to go outside and play. you make me want to do everything just once, just once to see what it feels like (unless you tell me it feels bad from the get go, then i really don't see the point). you make me stop, think, then act, instead of simply hating from the beginning. some times when i'm with you i forget there is a place outside the house, outside the museum, outside the theater, outside anywhere that has you in it. you make me remember what it was like to simply make people smile and feel good and laugh and enjoy themselves all with a few witty words. you have changed what was once a sharp tongued crusade to bash people with the truth into what is now trying to help people see it for themselves.

you have taken a hardened ball of clay and loosened it, made it malleable again. i feel like for the first time in years i can take in information and instead of just thinking about it, i can act on it. when i love, i can show that, when i like something, i never have to hide it, when someone likes something i don't, good for them, someone has to. instead of "i hate that shit", you make me think "eh, i'm not a fan, but that's cool". you make me realise what my opinion has been all along. you take down all these barriers i have put up and unleash what was in. myself. you make me myself again, and i can never thank you enough for that. you are immortalized as a symbol of wonder, love, and reverence in my life, no matter what may come our way.

i love you, and i can say that now, i can say that because you're not a judge, you're a friend, and it's been a long time since i've had one of those, i love you so much

i feel:: twitterpated

Part of growing up I think is learning to understand not only others, but yourself. Just...most people forget about the second part and become stupid and ignorant of the fact that its them who cause most of their own problems. Well I have always been rather aware of my emotions/thoughts/perspectives/mistakes/etc. and for the past four years have done nothing to improve myself because I was put into a sort of state of mind that nothing really mattered (part of being a teenager), but now I'm starting to get back in touch with how I was when I was little. Sure, I'm still a quick witted smart ass who will sooner tell you to eat your own child than give you a pat on the back, but that's not what I want to change, I just want to change the me on the inside, in hopes of maybe becoming less harsh on the outside. I have always had a quick temper, but it fades away quickly, leaving me sad that I even got mad in the first place, so I want to learn to be more peaceful. Another thing I have developed is the fact that I love rascist/prejudice humor, which is ok, because I like it when aimed at anyone, even myself, but the problem is that I have been targeting people for so long that I've totally forgotten how to stop targeting. It's like I'm an evil military robot who can't forget how to kill...hah, I wish, that would be awesome. Anyway, I think these are some things I need to work on:

OUTSIDE
My view of people is that of sheep - to the slaughter, brainless, however you may associate sheep negatively

INSIDE
I actually like everybody and give anyone a chance to befriend me, but I get so focused on the few people that I don't like that I become prejudiced towards people and don't want to let them in, when really they're probably great.

OUTSIDE
I act like I don't like myself

INSIDE
I could masturbate to a picture of myself I think...and not even be weirded out.

OUTSIDE
I'm all like "I want to be apathetic and neutral and grrrr!" (look at those three words together, they don't even work)

INSIDE
I want to protect everyone from harm, because no one should have to feel pain except for the people who vehemently seek to deal it

So really, I just want to become a better person in my own eyes, people say I'm so great and blah blah blah bullshit, but I want to believe it myself, and in order to do that I think I need to try to give more people a chance and also learn to not insult myself so much, take compliments and the like. Yay for happy Jeff coming back! Yay for Scott's influence dying! Boo for monkey dominatrixs! Oh, I also want to cuss less, because I'm way more intelligent than that. Oh! And I want to try to get good grades next year. That is all. Jeff. Out.

i feel:: planning

middle school through to sophmore year was an undeniably tough time in my life. i was physically unattractive, emotionally wanton, and surrounded with people who only made it worse. in fact, my "friend" scott had me insulting myself just so that i wouldn't have to listen to him do it. because of scott i held myself back from becoming, well, myself, i think about all the changes im making and i say "scott would say im conforming" because im so different and slightly more mainstream than i was, but really this is who i always wanted to be, not someone who refuses to conform, but someone who does what he likes, regardless of its extreme (or extreme lack of) popularity. i go to the gym now, i like eating salads, i listen to punk rock and i go to concerts, i have a girlfriend, i show emotions other than anger and dark humor. i am finally starting to wash off all of his filth and it feels amazing.

i realized something tonight as i was reading a really interesting article about Yoshitaka Amano (an awesome artist who i pretended not to like so i wouldnt have to hear scott bitch about it), life is more than worth living, in fact, life is damn well beautiful. you know whats beautiful about the world? the fact that everything in it is beautiful to someone. somewhere a guy is manipulating himself to pictures of fat women, because he thinks thats hot, and if thats not reason enough for you to think that the world is amazing, then you're just as blind as i was. sure, i dont like that, but i dont have to, because someone out there does and thats what matters.

the world is free and im playing in it!

i feel:: alive

so i havent gotten to sleep yet and its 4:30 am, ive tried to, but its just not working, so im listening to less than jake and probably gonna start playing wow in a second after im done posting this shizznat. i realised today that ive been totally over-chivalrous with my girlfriend, i mean of course i should respect her and stuff, but i was thinking about it, and when she says she wants to do something for me, i should just let her and not complain about how i should be doing stuff for her, because its fun to get things as well as give them.

i liked getting some nice hot chai this morning when she came back from chinese food.

there are a lot of things that i have been thinking about with this whole relationship thing and i think i should start trying to listen to heather more, i mean i always listen, i just...i dont know, dont always agree? or its more like i do agree, but im too stubborn to change my mind or something, not that being stubborn would be a new developement. heather is so rad. (i was going to say" tight" there, but i know megan might read this and get a perverted snicker out of such a comment)

ive had a - omfg, "ugly" by the exies just came on, drooool - lot on my mind lately, but not like...bad stuff or anything, just things to roll over in my mind, fun little tidbits about how i want to live my life from now on. for one i want to stop eating so many sweets, in fact i think next years resolution may be to not eat anything sweet (i give myself a month with that one, but its worth a shot). and i need to work out as much as i can cause im so tired of being tired, it was cool when all i wanted to do was stay at home and game, but fuck that man, i wanna get out there and see shit, do shit, ummm...shit shit, i guess, though, think i've done that.

you know that feeling you get when you see a little kid pick his nose, that "ugh" kind of feeling, well did you ever stop to think about how that kid just totally doesn't give a damn about the fact that he just picked his nose? i think if he doesn't think it's gross, then i should have the decency not to be grossed out (on the outside anyway, i can't deny my own opinion)

yeah, so wow time...or maybe counter strike, or maybe i'll write something...anyway i'll be up doing...stuff

i feel:: insomnitastic

well, my first concert ever was yesterday, Vans Warped Tour 2006 in San Diego, it was awesome, i almost punched someone in the face, got a man's crotch in my face, had to run through a mosh pit, bought a Less Than Jake T-Shirt, saw the Casualties, Thursday, and Less Than Jake all live, LTJ played all of my favorite songs, i lost hearing for about a minute towards the end of the LTJ presentation, shit i had a blast, i was so tired afterwards, we went to get dinner at Seaport Village, i fell asleep on Heather's lap, had a dream i couldnt remember, then went home and now i'm gonna go see Pirates 2 with Autumn! ^-^

i feel:: chipper

yes, you stand there and you let that hit you

so its 5:30 on the morning of July 5th and i'm entirely unable to go back to sleep, so i'm online of course. last night was great, we missed the big fireworks, but it doesnt really matter when you had as much fun as i did. Heather's house is pretty freaking cool when i'm around, she insists it isnt, but i like it there, it has a sense of a community, like, if you get tired of one person then you just go hang out with a different one. in my house its like, Mom or Megan, woooooOOOOOooooo, i mean come on, i'd rather eat a bowl of nails than talk to either of those spazzes ;) anyway, i had the best 4th of July i've ever had last night and i was sick the whole time, lol, that's saying something right there.

i feel:: tired? sort of...?

so...i rarely get confused, but when i do, it depresses the crap out of me, leaves me in this "why am i alive?" kind of state and makes me want to sleep so i can wake up and feel better. right now, i'm confused about how i should react to something (which, generally, is the only time i get confused), because...i know i'm not mad...and i'm not hurt...but...i'm not okay either...i'm just...confused entirely. no, i won't tell you what it is that is confusing me, screw you, i can solve my own problems. or maybe i can't...maybe that's why i need pills to feel like an average person, and even when i take them...i never feel normal, not really. i lived my life thinking i could take care of myself (mainly because my mom always took care of me and i just thought that i had something to do with that fact for some reason) and that i could do anything and now that i feel like crap all the time (physically anyway, i'm still happier than i have ever been, save maybe today) i realise i can't do anything, i can't be anything. when they talked about the little engine that could, they never mentioned what would happen if he got his rails ripped out from under him and then jabbed through his face and was forced to take pain releavers all the time. you know what happened to that stupid-shit train? he would sit in the train yard and rot away like the hunk of metal that he is. why is it that i think so thoroughly when i'm like this, confused and depressed, is it because intelligence is the destroyer of happiness? were the firemen of Fahrenheit 451 correct!? well you know what? fuck intelligent thought! it's gotten me nothing! not a damn thing! it has only made me hate myself and the fact that i know when and what im doing wrong, but i dont do anything about it! even as i fucking write this stupid entry i know this isn't how i feel at all, i'm not sad, i'm not upset, i'm not even confused, deep down i know i'm ok, but i still feel weird! why do i have to know these things!? why do i have to know that i'm ok, why for once can't i just be sad and not reason myself out of it!? fuck intelligence, why can't i be one of the ignorant sheep who blends into the herd!? and still...i know the reason i can't do that...is because i don't actually want to...and so...i dont even know why i'm writing this...how can people like me...the "intelligent" ones be so incredibly stupid? i'm so intelligent and thoughtful and peaceful and passive and caring and forgiving and none of that is a lie, i really am all those things, i really do care and i really do like being peaceful, and passive, and i see absolutely nothing wrong with forgiving someone...but just once...i would like to be the bad guy...just once i would like to forget all these ways that i have learned and experience life raw...<sigh> and as i wrap this up, the tears are clearing, the anger is clearing, and so is the confusion, because for me, writing is just a way to put the voices in my head down on paper, and if they're trapped in words, then they can't come back. i think...when i'm out of the house and everything, i'm going to re-invent myself...and forget what my mom said, what my friends said, what my family said, i a want to experience the world as an intelligent being and find out if intelligent thought is curse or a gift...if only the fools knew how easy they got it just being laughed at...after you do the laughing for so long you begin to even laugh at yourself. they tell you "good job honey, take it like a man and just laugh it off" yet they are horrified by the unexplainable laughter of the madman. you know what he's doing? he's laughing off the voices in his head, telling them to get fucked and give him a rest. the world is hypocritical, a menagerie of fools all spread like so much peanut butter over the bread that is the Earth. but even as i write this, there's that damn intelligence telling me "you're a hypocrit just as much as the world is, Jeff, you're part of the world" and for some unknown reason that insults me. why should it? why can't i be proud to be part of everything else, be one of society's armored bo-peep soldiers out to wrake the masses into a big pile of stupid. would conformity really be such a crime if we didn't have anyone to disagree with it...? and the truth is...it would...<sigh> i love neutrality almost as much as i hate it, because the mixture of yin and yang are the only thing that are true in this world, every evil has a good, every good has an evil, and so to maintain existence, we must balance both, if there were no christians, then who would the wiccans be pissed at? probably themselves. it's evident in the Salem Witch Trials and the French Revolution that once certain lines are crossed they will continue to be crossed until the head is cut from the serpent, or it swallows itself. if we didn't have evil, good would just start killing whatever it felt was less good, the same goes to evil if we didn't have good. i'm sick of writing now, i have it off my chest and feel all good now, i'm even smiling again.

i feel:: wrathful

I think I am in love, and my baby's name is CoinStar. I decided to hit that bitch up with some coins and she spit out 35 dollars! Plus the previous 17 dollars I had, with that and Megan's commissions I am at 58 dollars now, only two away from Warped Tour! Yay! Now I think I might want to save up for some food as well, cause I dont want to have only enough money to get it, that would suck.

Um...we need to buy our tickets now, though, so we dont get jipped out of them.

i feel:: cheerful

Linguistic Design Commissions

$.50 – Writings (no word limit)   *$.50 discount does not count towards writing commissions

Sample of writings: [link]

Do you possibly need something written in clever or formal words that you just can’t seem to get right? A resume? Lyrics to a song? A cool quote for your fanfic’s main character? Art is not my only forte and I will be happy to provide you some catchy words for a small fee.

$2.00 – Simple image (size is restricted to 800 x 800 pixels)

Sample of a $2.00 piece:  [link]

Examples of possible commissions: Signature x1, Avatar x1, Buddy Icon x1, Cleanup (Photograph or Drawing) x1, Website Banner x1, Website Buttons/Icons x3, Collage (Three images or less) x1, T-Shirt Design (front) x1

$3.00 – Moderate image (size is restricted to 1000 x 1000 pixels)

Sample of a $3.00 piece: [link]

Examples of possible commissions: Signature x2, Avatar x3, Buddy Icon x3, Cleanup (Photograph or Drawing) x2, Website Banner x2, Website Buttons/Icons x5, Collage (Five images or less) x1, CD Cover x1, Logo x1, T-Shirt Design (front and back) x1

$4.00 – Excellent image (size is unlimited)

Sample of a $4.00 piece: [link]

Examples of possible commissions: Signature x4, Avatar x6, Buddy Icons x6, Cleanup (Photograph or Drawing) x3, Website Banner x3, Website Buttons/Icons x10, Collage (unlimited images) x1, Wallpaper x1, Sketch Color x1, CD Package (cover, back), Logo x3, T-Shirt Package (front and back and/or additional locations) x1

$5.00 – Incredible image (size is unlimited)

Sample of a $5.00 piece: [link]

Examples of possible commissions: Signature x5-10, Avatar x8-12, Buddy Icons x8-12, Cleanup (Photograph or Drawing) x5, Website Banner x5, Website Buttons/Icons x10-15, Collage (unlimited images) x2, Wallpaper x2, Sketch Color x2, CD Package Plus (cover, booklet, back, CD label, any additional inlets), Logo x5, T-Shirt Package x2

$6.00+ (only increased increments of $1.00 or more allowed) – Genius image (size is unlimited)

Sample of a $6.00+ piece: [link]

For a payment of $6.00+ I will make you anything you want to the best of my abilities

PRECAUTION: Images will be submitted all at once, so if you request a package of 5 images, I will only send them to you once I am finished with all 5 of the images, this reduces the amount of e-mail clutter that would come of sending each image individually.

Commission Form

(Fill this out and e-mail it to me at backinwhite@gmail.com with the subject title “LiveJournal Commission” – e-mails under any other title regarding commissions will be ignored.)

Name of Recipient: (LJ account name please)

E-Mail: (Include your e-mail for contact purposes)

Payment Level: (Choose one of the 5 payments listed above)

Commission: (Provide me with all the information that you think I will need to make the best image that I can for you)

Deadline: (If you absolutely have to have your commission by a certain date, list it here – be warned, however, that if you have a deadline planned, send me the commission within at least two weeks so that I have a reasonable amount of time to get it done, if you do not give me two weeks or more advance, I will not be held responsible if the commission does not meet its deadline)

Comments: (Any additional comments you would like to add)

“I have read all of Linguistic Design’s Commissions page and am fully aware that I am to be held responsible for the following of any rule written on said page.” (This is to accompany any entered Commission Form; by writing this, you subject yourself to my disagreement to work should you break any of my rules)

FAQ

Um, e-mail is a hassle

If you do not want to e-mail me a Commission Form, or information of any kind, then you can post them on my dA account’s main page and I will get back to you, however if you refuse to give me an e-mail address you will not receive service. I check my dA account and my e-mail account at least once a day, so it is unlikely that your request will be overlooked.

If you are going to put my commission on your dA account, can’t others download it?

I will not post any commissioned art on my account, ever. You get what you paid for and no one gets to scavenge off of your payment, if they want an image, they can pay for it themselves. When I have completed a commission I will e-mail it to you after payment has been received, thus only you and I get to have a copy of the commission that you paid for.

The $.50 discount

If you provide me with the images you want included in your commission, I will deduct $.50 from your charge. This is strictly because I am horrible at finding good images upon outside request and it is for the best that you provide me with the images that you want because then it is more likely that you will get exactly what you want.

How do I pay you?

Service will only be accepted through PayPal, upon request of an image include your e-mail and I will bill you once I have reviewed and begun your commission (if you do not provide me with a valid e-mail, you will not receive service.) If I do not receive payment before finishing your commission I will withhold the image until I do.

How long am I going to have to wait?

Usually I can get an image done in two-three days, but if I am swamped with work at the moment, it may be anywhere from a week to a month given the circumstances.

The friendly commissioner is the happy commissioner

I will do whatever I can to give you what you pay for, and to do so I believe that it is best that you get to know me better and keep an open link of communication with me. For this purpose please add me to your friendslist and keep in touch. I may even feel obliged to provide discounts for close friends. People who stay in touch with me will also receive higher priority on their commissions and receive them sooner than others.

So if I’m not your friend, you won’t help me?

This is not the case at all, if you feel that you are being left out, simply because you don’t talk to me as much or at all, please tell me so and I will do what I can to provide you with the great service that you have paid for. Also, if you give me a deadline on your commission than in no way will I put other’s commissions before yours; I do my absolute best to reach any given deadline.

Assistance

If there is anything that you do not understand or would like to ask about then feel free to post a comment on my dA or e-mail me.

About the CD Packages

If you want me to do either a CD Package or a CD Package Plus, it will require further details such as lyrics, song titles (for the back), of course the band name, a logo (I will gladly design one for you for an additional charge), and all of the information that you want included in the booklet (booklet only applies to those who order the CD Package Plus)

The future of Linguistic Designs

Currently LiDe is just myself, but I would love to get other people in on designing things for others via this method. Another fun feature I hope to provide to the people of deviantART will be contests where the winners receive credit that they can spend on Linguistic Design commissions and thus receive images virtually for free! These contests will consist of drawings, designs, concepts, wallpapers, prose, and poetry with maybe even an annual contest with a Premium Pass prize that allows you to receive free Linguistic Design commissions for a year. I hope to really bring a great service to deviantART!

If what you would like is not listed in the examples of possible commissions, e-mail me at backinwhite@gmail.com and we can discuss a price. If you would like to receive more of a certain type of image than is listed in any of the examples you will have to pay extra for any additional images.

**I withhold the right to modify this page and its contents at any given time. Customers who have made a commission prior to a price change will be billed for the price of the package at the time that they sent me the request. (This means that if you buy a commission when the price is at $2.00 and I change the price to $3.00 before you get your commission, you still only owe me $2.00)

I DO NOT DO SKETCHES

COMMISSIONS STATUS: Accepting

LINK TO DEVART ACCOUNT: http://linguistic.deviantart.com/

i feel:: working

So I just got done reading Choke by Chuck P. of Fight Club fame and oh dear God was it good! Thanks to Heather for suggesting to me that I read it, because I thoroughly enjoyed it and once I am done with the cadre of books I have lined up for myself to read (including Anansi Boys, Farenheit 451, and 1984) I believe I will definitely have to read some more of his books, most likely starting with Fight Club as the movie was so good I just have to read the book!

i feel:: devine

Warped Tour is on July 6th in San Diego this year, Heather, Danielle, and I are going, but we need to work up $180 for tickets, so I have created a new DeviantART account that I am going to start doing paid commissions through to earn some cash. First of all, though, I need to get my brother's lazy ass to bring me Illustrator so I can actually make images worth paying money for.

You can find my commission account here - http://linguistic.deviantart.com/

Uh...yeah, so I was playing CounterStrike last night under the name "backinwhite" (which is my name because I used to always wear black, but now I wear all kinds of colors) and the admin changed my name because he said it was rascist...-_- riiiiight, bastard

I finished watching this anime called Kino's Journey the other night and omg, it was so awesome, now I'm doing all kinds of research on philosophies because that is what that show is all about and I want to write a story around a similar basis, because that was just such and amazing experience watching that show - it feels so good to watch a show that makes you think.

Everything in the universe has rhythm. Everything dances. - Maya Angelou

i feel:: influenced

Yeah, so in Biology today, we disected a squid...it was so gross. We had to take the eye, beak, and pen out of it. I was all like "ewww" and then "blerg" and then "sweet", but that was only because this lame Morgan kid was getting all upset about the guts even though he's supposedly "sooooo hardcore", yeah he's so hardcore that he dresses like a spent hooker, damn that's cool....anyway, so I took the eyes out, and the beak, but my lab partner got the pen, which is this weird spine type thingy. Over all it was a disgusting experience.

right now Heather is at her house and not allowed to come over till tomorrow...I feel jealous towards the walls of her house, because they get to protect her for today...

i feel:: lonely

You know those great moments where you are listening to a song about sex and your mom or dad is jamming out with no idea what the song is about? Yeah...so I was listening to "Pass the Dutchie" by Sonic Youth, where the title is basically the lyrics and it is this young rasta kid singing with this slow peaceful voice and some chiming instruments and drums...and my mom gets on the comp while its playing and she's like "This is so relaxing, what a cool song" and is just kind of slowly rocking out...lol, it was awesome.

i feel:: content

For the most important person in my life:

heartbeat

its all i can hear

it gets faster

it gets harder

all because i can see you

everything goes static

no more heartbeat

its all just you

because you’re drop dead gorgeous

step by step

you’re getting closer to me

thump, thump

the beat is back again

i envy your skin

because it has succeeded

in being as close to you as i want to be

and more beautiful than I am in my finest moments

smile

just for me

just so I can be happy

because i love that smile

everything goes static

no more heartbeat

its all just you

because you’re what there is to reality

step by step

you’re now beside me

thump, thump

our heart’s are beating in sync

heartbeat

its everything

you’re everything

you are my heartbeat

all because i love you

i feel:: in love

omg, lol, that site is funny

i feel:: giggly

So as I slept, my mind thought, it's called dreaming, have you ever heard of it? In this dream my best friend and ex-crush Autumn was making her boyfriend and I compete, but the idea was that while I was competing, I was going to make certain sacrifices and stuff to get him to realise that Autumn and I are just friends (cause he's been really annoying about that fact lately) and so we had to do all these weird decathalon-like events, it was actually a really cool dream.

i feel:: tired

I'm bored, I want something to do, so instead of playing one of my many games or, hell, feeding the homeless, I decided to make a LiveJournal. It is things like this that make me want to cry - the shameful sacrificing of people's time to the monstrosity of boredom. It's like boredom is King Kong, but instead of it falling in love with the girl snack that the villagers provide it, boredom totally just eats her.

Anyway, how are you? Peachy? I certainly hope so.

i feel:: bored